April 16, 2012
- When a red light changes to green, the first car will not go. It just won’t.
- Turn signals are only to be used when you don’t even intend to turn.
- It is customary for you to park your car in the right lane of traffic, even when the parking lane has ample room to pull over.
- The parking lane is for passing.
- The passing lane is for parking.
- No matter how long a car has stopped traffic, if anyone honks even once, that person is immediately obligated to flip you all off. And keep sitting there.
- It’s ok for you to endanger drivers in several lanes simultaneously if it means you can get even one car ahead in the traffic.
- When you are forced to merge, do not do so until the very last moment.
- SEPTA buses do not always stop at red lights. Sometimes, regular cars do not stop either.
- “One way” does not mean what you think it means.
Stay tuned for next week’s installment: Guidelines for parking in Philadelphia.
February 13, 2012
“You sunk my battleship!” = “OK, let’s MOVIE this.”
If you’re like me, you get disappointed by the movies that you see in theatres. The tactics used to promote the movie often do not reflect the actual quality of the movie. If anything, when the advertising for a movie especially overstates the level of entertainment actually derived from said movie, it ends up backfiring and makes me rate the movie lower than if I had gone in with more realistic expectations.
Therefore, here are some helpful guidelines for choosing what movies to watch. They work for me, maybe they will work for someone who is not me.
Go see a movie only based on:
- actual movie clips
- The movie poster is also an acceptable factor in your decision.
Do not go see a movie based on:
- The names of the actors/actresses
- The names of the directors/producers/writers
- Movie critic opinions
- Friends and relatives and coworkers opinions
- Random strangers opinions
- Awards the movie won
- Amazingly badass voiceovers
Good movies will be advertised primarily using the first category. Movies you will not want to see will rely mostly on the second. Good movies will have numerous quality clips, which is what we go to the theaters to see, and likewise, lesser movies will have a lot less. Movie studios don’t want to give away the best parts of the movie in the commercials, obviously, but if there are more to go around, they will divulge some if it means better advertising.
This movie opened as the #1 movie at the box office that weekend. A part of me dies inside whenever that happens.
I do not blame the people whose job it is to advertise lame movies. That also does not mean you need to fall for their tricks.
These are my guidelines for choosing which movies to see. Use them well.